To Cheat or Not to Cheat...

June 2nd 2011:

Stats for Day 2

Cigarettes smoked: 1

Pieces of Nicorette chewed: 5

Number of near meltdowns: 3

So, I survived the first day and most of the second of my new, (almost) smoke-free life.

Yes, I smoked three cigarettes yesterday, but I couldn't let them go to waste now, could I?

Seriously though, slips will happen, and three is way better than the 10-20 I would normally smoke in a day, right? Today, I also cheated a bit. Work stress led me to bum a cigarette on my lunch break, of which I smoked half.

Then, I smoked the other half after dinner.

Sigh... nobody's perfect, right?

Not to be discouraged! I will plug another piece of nicotine gum into my mouth (yes, I am craving a smoke something awful right at this very moment -- when I'd write, I would really crank through the cigarettes, so I guess you could say sitting at this here computer is a trigger), do some exercising to keep the "quit weight" off, watch a little TV maybe, then head to bed - perhaps I will make it through day three without smoking any cigarettes!

Day One Over - Thank the lord baby jesus, amen

June 1st 2011:

Stats for Day 1

Cigarettes smoked: 3

Pieces of Nicorette chewed: 3

Number of near meltdowns: 2

Nicotine Gum vs. the Urge to Kill

June 1st 2011:

Okay, it has been a few hours since my near melt-down, and the Nicorette gum seems to be doing the trick.

The urge to kill has subsided, my brain is once again functioning at an almost normal level, and I am again able to form coherent thoughts and complete sentences.

I have to say, I was reluctant to try the gum again. I had tried it once before, back in 2001, and  it did not go well...

My then-roommates and I got a box of the mint Nicorette gum (original flavor) thinking we would all try to quit smoking together. Seemed like a good idea and all, but we each popped out a piece of the gum from the plastic packaging, stuck it in our mouths, took a couple chews, then MY GOD!

It tasted like black pepper, dirt and just a hint of bile, and the burning sensation it cause was incredible. Gagging, we all bee-lined for the garbage can, toilet, anywhere we could spit the disgusting shit out (and possibly throw up) in. It was seriously, the WORST thing I had ever tasted.

We immediately lit cigarettes just to get the taste out of our mouths, and the box of Nicorette was shoved into a cupboard, where it was happily forgotten until that weekend...

Saturday night, we came home to find the house trashed. My husky, Priest, had gone through the cupboards (yes, the bastard opened them himself) eating his way through a box of cereal, some raw spaghetti noodles, a few unidentifiable items and the ENTIRE remaining box of Nicorette gum... even more astounding than the fact that he was still alive and unharmed, was that he could stomach eating the nasty-ass stuff and seemed rather stoked about it.

So, until now, that was my only experience with nicotine gum (and for you PETA folks, the dog was fine other than a raging case of diarrhea the next day, and is alive and well to this day - baby latches were installed on all cupboards immediately following the incident).

Anyhoo, the fresh mint flavor is a vast improvement over the original - it actually taste like mint, imagine that? I do have a problem remembering to only chew it a few times then tuck it away between cheek and gum (per the instructions), but it does calm the nerves and suppress the urge to smoke.

So far, so good...

And Later that Day...

June 1st 2011:

Approximately an hour after arriving to work - a little over two hours since my goodbye AM smoke - the jitters set in.

They were subtle at first, just a little gnawing sensation at the back of my brain. I reached for my purse subconsciously, then remembered that I'd left my last two cigarettes at home... I am supposed to be quitting after all, right?

See how my brain turned that statement into a question? Sneaky, eh? But I really, really wanted a cigarette. As I rummaged through my desk drawers and purse pockets hoping against hope to find a stray Pall Mall or a forgotten pack, I tried to keep telling myself that there is a difference between "want" and "need" - I want a cigarette; I do not need a cigarette.

Yet, I kept searching for the cigarette I knew I would not find. After one pass through my drawers and purse, I turned back to my computer and tried to work, but that gnawing had become an itch - the kind that almost hurts, the kind that feels like it will drive you insane if you can't scratch it - and I couldn't stop obsessing on it.

There has to be a cigarette in here somewhere, I keep thinking. This time I dump my purse, find nothing, then pull all the papers, paper clips, files, pens, etc. out of my desk drawers until I have a mess strewn across my desk top and a matching ring of mess around my desk chair.

A co-worker came in to ask em a question about something or other, I couldn't concentrate - I may have snapped a bit when I replied.

I was a crazy person - all it took was two hours. Pathetic.

So, I apologized to the person I snapped at, then went to my boss's office to tell her I was making an emergency run to the Walgreens on the corner. At the register, it took every once of will I have to not ask for a pack of Pall Malls.

Instead, I asked for a box of Nicorette gum, fresh mint flavor.

$69 poorer, I am back at the office pondering the instructions on how to chew the damn gum and waiting the recommended 15 minutes after my last cup of coffee.

Update to come later...

On Catholic Guilt & Saying Goodbye

June 1st 2011:

So, today is the day. Time to say adios to my lovely Pall Malls. I might shed a tear.

Honestly, I don't really want to quit. I like smoking... no I adore smoking. I love the smell of opening a fresh pack, taking that first drag in the morning, the way a cig tastes after a good meal. I love that it gives my restless hands something to do and the way it smooths out my jagged nerves.

Yes, true, it makes your hair and clothes stink, it's bad for your skin, it can cause cancer (but what doesn't these days) and emphysema, and it has become expensive as hell.

I have thought of these things before, but none were compelling enough to make me quit. I mean, I hardly notice the stink, I gave up on my skin years ago, I figure some form of cancer will get me, one way or another, and money, well that comes and goes (mostly goes) anyway. Also, the last time I managed to to quit for more than a couple weeks, I gained a bunch of weight, and man, my vanity just would not stand for that!

So why, might you ask, am I staring at my last three smokes trying to decide the best way to say fare-thee-well to them? Well, I will tell you...

Good old fashioned, Sicilian, Catholic Granny guilt.

My grandma, an avid smoker back in the day (she gave it up in her 60's after a  gnarly case of Valley Fever), was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. On her birthday this year - May 26th - we found out she probably only has about 6 months left. My personal fear of lung cancer is kind of nil, it barely registers - besides, she's in her late 80's now and outlived my non-smoking grandpas (who also died of cancer - colon and prostate), and in her own words she's "ready to go."

But, on Memorial day, when I called her, she asked me to quit. Then she pulled out the tears and the worry and yes, the all-powerful Guilt.

I am not Catholic, but I was raised as such, and let me tell you, the only thing that has stuck (beside an odd affinity for religious statuary, especially those little Virgin Marys) is that overwhelming feeling of guilt - for what? Who knows, but those nuns at Sunday school really knew how to grind it in. Much like the freezing cold, that weird sense of abstract guilt sinks right into your bones.

My resolve broke and I made a promise.

So now I sit, staring at those last three two Pall Malls - one to say goodbye to the morning cigarette and coffee, one to say goodbye to the post-dinner smoke, and one to say goodbye to the post... well, nevermind about that one.

So long morning cigarette! Wish me luck making it through the rest of the day...