And Later that Day...

June 1st 2011:

Approximately an hour after arriving to work - a little over two hours since my goodbye AM smoke - the jitters set in.

They were subtle at first, just a little gnawing sensation at the back of my brain. I reached for my purse subconsciously, then remembered that I'd left my last two cigarettes at home... I am supposed to be quitting after all, right?

See how my brain turned that statement into a question? Sneaky, eh? But I really, really wanted a cigarette. As I rummaged through my desk drawers and purse pockets hoping against hope to find a stray Pall Mall or a forgotten pack, I tried to keep telling myself that there is a difference between "want" and "need" - I want a cigarette; I do not need a cigarette.

Yet, I kept searching for the cigarette I knew I would not find. After one pass through my drawers and purse, I turned back to my computer and tried to work, but that gnawing had become an itch - the kind that almost hurts, the kind that feels like it will drive you insane if you can't scratch it - and I couldn't stop obsessing on it.

There has to be a cigarette in here somewhere, I keep thinking. This time I dump my purse, find nothing, then pull all the papers, paper clips, files, pens, etc. out of my desk drawers until I have a mess strewn across my desk top and a matching ring of mess around my desk chair.

A co-worker came in to ask em a question about something or other, I couldn't concentrate - I may have snapped a bit when I replied.

I was a crazy person - all it took was two hours. Pathetic.

So, I apologized to the person I snapped at, then went to my boss's office to tell her I was making an emergency run to the Walgreens on the corner. At the register, it took every once of will I have to not ask for a pack of Pall Malls.

Instead, I asked for a box of Nicorette gum, fresh mint flavor.

$69 poorer, I am back at the office pondering the instructions on how to chew the damn gum and waiting the recommended 15 minutes after my last cup of coffee.

Update to come later...